Bleed Like Me

I've been listening to Garbage's 2003 album Bleed Like Me a lot recently. It's always been one of my favorite albums from the early 2000s but I hadn't listened to it in many years. The reason I recently rediscovered it is because the band just released a remastered version of the album. And it was good timing because it ended up helping me through a pretty dire depressive episode recently.

Bleed Like Me isn't as nostalgic for me as Garbage's 1995 debut album (which I'm sure I'll will write about one day also). But it just happened to be one that had an interesting impact on me, both when it came out originally and just recently.

The album is as I remember it, a rockier version of Garbage full of amazing pop hooks. They had decided to forego the electronica-focused style of their previous albums in favor of a more organic, grungier alt. rock sound for this record. With massive success in my opinion. Normally I would have been disappointed with less electronics but in this case it worked. It has so much energy! Every song on the record is an absolute ear worm. It has to be one of the catchiest pop rock records ever recorded. I dare you to listen to "Sex Is Not the Enemy" without it getting stuck in your head for days.

In researching the history of this album, I was surprised to learn that the band had been going through quite a bit of turmoil during its recording. There was a lot of tension between band members. Shirley Manson had been going through writer's block and found it difficult to compose lyrics. The band kept running into roadblocks during the recording, resulting in a lot of frustration. They even split up for a brief few months before regrouping, working out their differences, and completing the album.

I never would have guessed there was all this turmoil behind the scenes because the album is so solid. My experience listening this time was quite different than when it originally came out. Partly because I'm a nearly completely different person now than I was back then. But also because for this re-release, they included several bonus tracks including some of the b-sides which I had never heard.

One such b-side is the song "Nobody Can Win." This song in particular hit me pretty hard emotionally and started me thinking, as is often the case with any meaningful creative work.

The song is about failing to live up to expectations set for us. Either by others or by ourselves. Expectations that are often idealized versions of what we are supposed to be. You know what I'm talking about. When we were kids, how often were we asked what we wanted to be when we grew up? How often was that answer "Astronaut!" or "Firefighter!" or "Scientist!" or "President of the United States!"

Those are very common responses for children who are asked this, but it wasn't my answer. My answer was always to be a writer. I was a weird kid. Not because I wanted to be a writer but because I would read the newspaper. Did you ever read the newspaper as a kid? I feel like it's a weird thing for a kid to do. I don't know many other kids who did that. Oh, back then news came on a paper that was delivered to your house every morning, for those reading this who might be significantly younger than me.

They fill you up with expectations
Innovations and predictions that can't
Possibly fly

I would see the byline with the name of the article's author attached and I just thought it was so cool that each article in the paper was written by a different person, each writing from their own experiences and expertise about such a wide variety of things. And I always knew that I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to write about stuff that showed up in the morning newspaper with my name under the title. For some reason.

This isn't about me wanting to be a writer and never getting to do it. I already wrote about that. And it's not about being given the belief, as children, that we can be the most idealized version of our future selves if we work hard enough. "You can do anything if you put your mind to it!" is a statement I heard (and meant sincerely) a lot as a kid. It is a cliché now of course. It's so much of a cliché in fact that talking about how it's a cliché has become cliché. I'm not trying to do that either.

I'm talking about general failure. To be or do anything good.

I've been feeling pretty worthless lately! For a while there I was feeling like I was in a state of constant failure. I felt like my life had no value at all and there was nothing good about me. This is a fairly typical thing for me when I'm going through depressive episodes. It's just that this time, I had Bleed Like Me to help me through it. And in particular "Nobody Can Win."

For whatever reason, the last couple days have been very good for me, mental health-wise. I don't know why. I just know that last night, and for the first time in a while, I strongly felt like my life actually does have value. That I, as a person, have value.

I'm sure it sounds ridiculous to someone who doesn't suffer from depression and issues with self-esteem. I'm sure that for most people, their sense of self-worth is built-in and comes effortlessly. But for me, having a few days where I feel like I have worth is huge. Feeling even a little bit valuable instantly inspires me to start doing the things I want to do again.

It's the only reason you're reading this right now. Because I can't do anything creative when I'm depressed. That's why there hasn't been a new post in three weeks. And this is another one of those "on the fly" posts that I just wrote up at the last minute in an attempt to seize the moment. You can probably tell.

Anyway. Bleed Like Me is a fantastic album and you should absolutely listen to the remastered version that just came out. The tracks sound as crisp as a freshly-opened bag of chips (crisps for my UK friends). And like a good bag of chips, every song is like an injection of serotonin directly into your brain.